Monday, April 9, 2012

The Elephant in the Room


Kenny and I were out to dinner a while back and we ran into a couple that we haven’t seen since we moved from our old neighborhood 7 years ago. They stopped at our table and sat down. We have mutual friends in the old neighborhood, so I knew that they must know what had happened. I sat waiting nervously for 15 minutes for one of them to acknowledge it. With a pit in my stomach, I listened to small talk about their kids, the old neighborhood, the weather, until I finally had to work up the courage to ask them directly if they had heard about Kirsten. “Oh, yes” they said, and returned to idle chatter.

This happens quite often. I am not angry or bitter, I just wish people were better informed. To not bring it up the first time you see someone, no matter how long it has been, is to downplay the significance of what has happened. This is THE most significant thing that has ever happened in our lives, and always will be, so to pretend like it isn’t is hurtful and feels disrespectful… not only to us, but to Kirsten.  I would suggest that one muster up the courage to bring it up immediately, to take the burden off the already burdened to be the ones to bring it up, even if the loss happened 20 years ago... and then, after at least a few sentences or questions about it, if you never want to bring it up again…fine.
I was given this poem in a support group…

                  The Elephant in the Room
                                  By Terry Kettering

There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with, “How are you?” and “I’m fine”…
and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather. We talk about work.
We talk about everything else --- except the elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk.
It is constantly on our minds,
for you see, it is a very big elephant.
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, say her name.
Oh, please, say “Barbara” again.
Oh, please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her death,
perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say “Barbara” and not have you look away?
For if I cannot, your are leaving me
alone…in a room…with an elephant.


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